I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
