dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
