Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
