Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
