he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
