mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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