Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
