Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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