Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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