dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize