My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
