i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
