my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
