i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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