true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
