the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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