It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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