i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
only you would photoshop your dick
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
