So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Sorry about my life...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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