I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
