Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
