she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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