I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
