I just made out with a guy for $7.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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