He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
