Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize
