so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
