i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
you had me at cake vodka
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
