Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
