I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
