The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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