Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Houston, we have a blender
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Randomize
