Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
