Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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