Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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