I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
