Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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