he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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