Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
