ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
