"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My penis needs a shock collar
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
