I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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