when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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