Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize