I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
