dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
