If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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