i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
