I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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