I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
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