How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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