her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
