apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
