I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
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