I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
