This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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