Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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