Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
