my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
